Over and over again, the answer is patience

I used to think I was patient: I don't mind waiting at a doctor's office; I like lots of repetitive, mindless tasks, like shelling beans; I like slow movies, slow books, slow stories.

But now I've noticed that when I can't see the end - when I don't even know if I can reach the end I'm striving for - I'm impatient to the max. I want to be healthy, I want to understand myself, I want to do good, and I worry that I should be all of that already, right now. I want to know how to live my life, and I want to know now.

Today the big uncertainty revolving through my mind is how to balance enjoying life with doing good. How do I decide how much effort to devote to each? How good a life do I deserve? Is it right to indulge in luxuries when I could donate the money that pays for them to so many worthy causes instead? Is it even possible to figure out a balance?

I've worried about this before and I've looked for answers in books, articles, documentaries. So far I haven't found any. All I've found is individual, all-too-incomplete stories of other people's lives. Some sacrificed themselves for their work; some didn't.

Obviously there is no simple, one-size-fits-all answer. And from my struggles to figure this question out, it's clear that there is no easy answer just for me, either. For now, I have to accept that life comes with tough questions, like this one, that I may never solve. And that the best I can do is be patient, keep trying to figure things out, and struggle along - until one day, if I'm lucky, I realize that I'm living as I want to live.

A starting point

After months and months of thinking about this blog and yet wavering over how to move forward, I am determined now to start again even if I don't know where I'm going. I think a good place to start, then, is the foundation of my fledgling life philosophy: the two main desires I have for my life.

These two desires, or goals, or aims, are what comes to mind when I imagine what kind of life I want, so that I will be satisfied when I face death one day. Remembering them helps me focus on what is important to me. Making decisions based on them helps me resist social pressures, be myself, and be happy. And they are very simple:

1. I want to enjoy my life.
Life, this planet, this universe are full of beauty and wonder. There is so much to see, hear, taste, experience, and enjoy, and I want to revel in it all. Plus, being happy seems intrinsically preferable to me to being unhappy! So I want to be happy.

2. I want to do good.
As I care about myself, I care about other people and other animals, and wish for them to be happy, to live well, and to be free of suffering. I want to protect the organisms, places, and artworks that make our world beautiful. And I want to contribute to the welfare of others and the protection of what's wonderful as much as I can.

That's it!