I'm going to try to stop expecting happiness

I haven't given up on being happy, or anything like that. I've just realized that, once again, I am getting in my own way by having too-high expectations for myself.

In this case, the unreasonable expectation is that I will be happy all the time. Content, satisfied, joyous, all of that. Maybe I've read too many websites, blog posts, and articles about how to be happy, or maybe I've just approached the goal of getting out of depression in my usual extra-high-achieving way. Either way, it's a problem, because happiness is not so straightforward, at least not when you're struggling with depression.

What I've realized is that for me right now happiness is like my black cat Miša (Misha). If I chase after her, she runs away; I can often grab her if I'm quick, but she won't be interested in staying. On the other hand, if I sit quietly, she'll come settle in my lap and fall asleep. She's not always at my side - she comes and goes following her own cat schedule - but if I let her be, she'll spend most of her day hanging out near me of her own accord.

I've been getting frustrated at not being happy all the time, and thinking that I must be doing things wrong: that I must not be happy because I'm not following a consistent routine, because I'm not doing enough exercise, because I'm getting up late every day, because some days I don't get dressed or do anything useful. So I've been pushing at myself all the time to do better, try harder, find the trick to make myself happy.

Now I think that I've been going at it all wrong. Why have I been expecting myself to be happy all the time? The more I think about it, the less I think that's a reasonable expectation for anyone, much less someone still figuring out depression.

So what's the plan now? To live, and be grateful for the good feelings that I have - feeling comfortable, feeling safe, feeling warm, feeling free - and do my best to accept the harder feelings that I'm dealing with - feeling uncertain, feeling insecure, feeling afraid. And when, out of the blue, I find that I am happy, to enjoy it while it lasts, but not try to hold on. And definitely, definitely not to beat myself up for not being happy!

note: Part of the thinking process that led to this post was started off by this article by Glennon Melton called Don't Carpe Diem that I found super insightful (especially because it uses mountaineering as a metaphor for life!). I recommend it.